Wits end

Through my son's eyes

2008-05-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Got a lovely booklet from Toothless for Mother's day..
Following are the questions his teacher asked and his reply
My mother..
Her favourite colour : Green and then Blue.
Favourite TV Show: Desperate housewives
Her favourite pet name for me: Munchkin and little imp.
She likes to cook: ela shappadu(Banana leaf rice)
Her favourite food: ela shappadu
She looked beautiful: when she got married
She looked funny: when I was a baby
I want her to know: That she is the best mama in the whole wide world.
She is: Awesome, amazing, superstar,terrific,always mine.

2008-02-13T15:08:00.000-08:00

My Life as a mother of three kids until now was more or less predictable. It mostly involved sending the kids to school, taking them for swimming lessons etc.. The only upheavals were occassional sickness and tantrums

Now all of a sudden my sweet, kind, gentle baby girl has evolved in to a nasty a pre teen, who loves to drive me crazy and I have suddenly became the nasty mean mother that I thought I would never be!

so this is my ranting place..

The daisies and the rose

2007-08-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

One fresh spring morning, the daisy field bloomed. All the daisies said "Hello, How are you? I missed you so much" to each other.
After all the greetings were done, the daisies stood straight and flapped their petals in soft breeze to sun them.
While they were busy sunning the petals, one nosey daisy spotted a strange site out of the corner of her eyes.
Right there in the middle of the daisy field, stood an odd looking flower. The petals were red like blood and the stem had sharp thorns.
The daisy asked the stranger
"Who are you?"
The stranger said
"I am a Rose"
"A rose? What is a rose? I have never seen one before. You don't belong here, you ugly thing. See, you got thorns, they prick little children.
Just then a group of kids came to the field searching for their ball.
All the daisies stood straight. But the children paid no attention to the daisies.
They were all pointing at the Rose and saying
"Rose? In the middle of a daisy field? that is a miracle!"
So the daisy learned the lesson. Never be rude to strange people, they might be miracles.
Also don't be rude to normal people, because then you are not using your manners.
Written by Yaya on 20th August 2007

First or the last?

2007-06-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today was Baby's pre school graduation day.
She was up at 6.30 am for a program that was to start at 10.30am. I had made Coconut agar agar jelly last night for her to take as a treat for everyone. I added baby pink color dye, her favourite colour to the jelly.
She was ready by 9 and the jelly was ready too.. But I wasn't. I changed my dress 10 times. That wasn't the normal me. I wear the same cloths without a second thought everyday.
I checked the forecast. Felt a bit sad that it is going to be a beautiful day. Felt even more stupid for thinking that way.
She asked a million times can we go now? And finally she just opened the door and went out. I looked at the child standing outside my door. The child I brought from hospital 5 years and 4 months and three weeks ago. The child that needed help with everything. The child that made me read Dora every single day. The child that made me make pink colour coconut jelly every time.
This morning, She wore her dress all by herself, she applied the sun screen all by herself, she had her sun glasses and hat on. She didn't even need my help to put her sandals for her.
"Come mama" She reached out and held my hand and it was time for me to go. Time for me to watch her go.
At the pre school when she sang a Russian song every other parent was looking at me enviously. I wanted to be happy for my child and I was.. but my heart was breaking. It was her first graduation and I knew there would be many more. But it was also her last day as my little baby. She is all grown up and I feel I have lost something. They say, you have to let your children go.. but I somehow wasn't expecting it to be this soon.

School year almost coming to an end.

2007-06-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

In 2 weeks time, another school year will be over.
It has been a very remarkable year for the kids.
We walked to school every day. Some days it was sunny, some days it rained non stop, some days it snowed, and some days the temperature dropped to -15 degrees. Still we survived.
I learned a lot this year. I learned about Beluga whales( believe me, I didn't even know there was such a whale in the ocean), I learned about snails, I learned to finger paint and most of all I learned to live in a messy house.

Yaya
She won the academic achievement award twice this year.
she is attending the gifted child program
She is in level 6 swimming and in level 4 skating
She is also in the soccer team( in the boys team!!)
She has so many dresses and still wear the same jeans and t shirt every week..( and I get so mad because she is like me and I can't scold her)
She wants to be an artist when she grows up.

Toothless
Toothless had a very remarkable year.
he scored straight A for all the subjects
He spend many evenings sitting on the couch from 2.45 till 7.45 because he was naughty at the school and didn't listen to his teacher.
All the normal routine punishments had no effect on him and I had to resort to the 'sitout' punishment. Ever since the 'sitout' punishment has been implemented, he has been making an effort not to get in to trouble.
He is getting braces for his teeth this summer and hopefully that will stop his thumb sucking habit.
He is in level 4 swimming( been in level for 6 months!) and level 2 skating.
He is also in the soccer team
He still wants to be a truck driver, may consider a train driver job as well!

Baby

Baby is going to make me cry. In two months time she will go to Kindergarten and I will have no one to play tea party with and no special helper to help me make cookies and cakes. I dread the thought of spending 5 hours in a quiet house and all these years I longed for peace and tranquility!
Baby is waiting eagerly for the school to start.
she is in Pre school level 5 swimming and Pre school level 3 skating
She wants to play soccer like her siblings but is too young to be in a team

How blessed I am

2007-04-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it hits you, it is something that was right in front of you all the time, yet you never saw it.. Often I have heard others telling me how lucky my kids are. And I never stopped once to think!
This evening as I walked holding Yaya's and Tootheless's hand after fetching them from school, it occured to me, my life, my existence would have had no meaning if I didn't have them.and I realized that
I am blessed, indeed blessed to be their mother.

Limerics by Yaya

2007-04-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy named Jack,
who raced around a track.
He once met a goat,
on a very big boat,
and kicked it on the back.

There once was a girl named Jen,
Who had a brother named Ben.
They had a big fat dog,
that once ate a frog.
And then the dog ate a pen.

Like mother, like daughter!!!

2007-04-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Yaya got this award... She read 400 books from 08 Sep 06 to 12 Apr 07..

To my toothless dragon

2007-03-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Goodness Gracious you are going to be 7 in a few days.

I can't tell you, how wonderful it is to be your mama. Even when I have to literally clench my fist and count to 1000 seeing all the naughty things you do
The things that you do drives any sane person insane.
But your hugs,
your countless I love you mama's,
your sweet (toothless)smile,
the way you hold my hand when we walk to your school( not the way you squeeze my knuckles and make me see the stars in the morning!!)
the way you give me the I love you sign while you play soccer,
the way you fight with me, when you don't want to read your reader
the way you pout your lips and grumble, I hate you mama, when I nag you
those are the things I remember the most.
Those are the things that makes you special.
Happy birthday Sunny boy.. You are the best

Gosh

2007-03-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

Received a call from the kids school few minutes ago. I am automatically in a panic mode the moment I see the school number in the caller id. My mouth suddenly felt very dry and even the usual Hello sounded like Jello. Why do I get stressed up, you might ask?
For those who don't know, this school year alone(read 6 months), I had to take my son twice to the emergency department. And I know the school would only call me, if there is a real emergency!
This is how the conversation with the school secretary went this morning

Me: Jello
She: Oh hi, Can I speak to Sarah?
Me: Sarah
She: Yes, Sarah
Me: me, Sarah
She: Oh! Sarah, I am calling to let you know that Yaya has been nominated to read literature this summer at the special school for gifted children
I was trying to see which part of the body my son got hurt this time, so I didn't understand anything the lady spoke
She: Sarah are you there?
Me: yes
She: You are aware that, Yaya will have to go to the other school
I was trying to figure out why Yaya has to go to the other school? Are they transferring my poor baby, because of her horribly naughty brother? How dare they?
Me: Why Yaya has to go the other school?
She: You know the gifted Children program is run by the school board in the other school
Me: What gifted child program?
She: The one your daughter is nominated to attend. You know the program run by the school board for gifted Children?
Me: What?

Only then did I understand that there is nothing wrong with my son and the call was actually a congratulatory call. I am sure the school secretary would be thinking how could such an intelligent child be born to such a stupid mother!!!
I am wondering too!

Did I spoil your chance?

2007-03-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

The following excerpts is part of a comment someone left in my favourite blog My Thinkpad.

There is one more issue which caught my attention in this post is her(Sonia) decision to remain unemployed even after such a good academic qualification. People like her actually spoiling other people’s chances. I’ve seen many girls do their professional courses only to get good groom in the marriage market. If this is their ultimate aim, why don’t they do some home-science courses which will help them in their future and thus leave the limited seats in the professional courses to the people who really want to do something in those fields.

First of all, this is not a personal attack on anyone.

The above comment was hurting me, Because I felt that since I am now a stay at home mother, instead of practicing medicine, I have been accused of spoiling someone else's chance of becoming a doctor.

I went to a professional college to study. But Did I spoil someone else's chance?

How dare someone say that, my dream to be a doctor was to get a good groom in the marriage market?
Whatever makes people think that, once you enter a professional college, life becomes beautiful automatically?
It takes hours of studies every single day, sleepless nights, no free weekends , emotional and mental torture by the seniors and professors almost everyday, morning rounds, evening rounds and in between all these, writing and clearing the exams for four years before you get the medical degree.
Once you get the degree in hand, headaches are still not over. Nobody wants a simple MBBS degree. You need to do specialization, that involves more studies, more exams to write.
And then comes the marriage part. Of course a female doctor with a master's degree has lots of demand! In fact our nearest competitor for a suitable boy is a home science graduate girl with 2 million rupees in the bank. ( By the time most of us finish studying for a professional degree, our parents will be sinking in debts!! Remember One text book alone costs around 600 Rs!)

When I finished medicine, I was excited. I didn't mind the long hours, the double duties, triple duties or even the low pay. I did my internship in a hospital in Bangalore that refused to pay junior doctors. Gaining a good experience was not equivalent to earning a good income.
I enjoyed my job and the challenges that came along with it.

Then came motherhood!

Suddenly I was faced with the dilemma of leaving my babies with a stranger while I worked in the hospital taking care of sick babies. When my babies were sick, I couldn't take care of them. That was not fair to me or my children. My children needed me. I was not willing to make that sacrifice for my patients. Was I thinking of only myself? Yes I was. My family is more important to me.
I gave up my work because my family's needs are more important to me than my patients needs. My patients can always find another doctor, where will my children find another mother?

Previous Prime minister of Malaysia is a medical doctor, so is his wife. Dr. Mahathir made more difference to the lives of Malaysians as a leader than as a doctor. Did he deprive another Malaysian a chance of becoming a doctor? I certainly don't think so.
I didn't take any one's chance. I took my chance. I did what I want to do with my life. I wanted to be a doctor and I did it.
I want to be a mother now and I am doing it.
I may not heal anyone anymore. But I am making a difference in my children's lives. I have a right to make that choice. I wouldn't want anyone to say that if a woman gives up her career, she is a loser, she is selfish, she took away someone else's chance or she only did it to get a good marriage proposal.
She does it, because she wants to and respect her for that.

I placed myself last...Not anymore

2007-02-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

I placed myself last..Not any more

Over the years I placed myself last.
It was the need of others
That came to me first
And I let go myself.
I never said I need help
Not wanting to burden
Those whose burden I carried.

I thought if I can do something,
For someone,
And I didn’t
Then I am not whole.
It was difficult to break free
For it was me who
Was imprisoned, By me.

I do not regret
What happened in the past.
For the hand of life
Goes forward not back.
I do not live in my past
For I have nothing left there
It is over.

What I have is today
To be me, to be happy.
I have my today to do
What I want.
To live without regrets.
Like a cloud
That can shade the sun.

I can’t offer you
My tomorrows
For destiny
Is not in my hands.
I offer you
This moment
With me.

I offer you my soul
To keep and
To nurture
To cherish and
To understand
Till tomorrow
And start all over.

I can’t promise
You worldly luxuries
But I can promise
Love beyond means,
Understanding,
The need to be you,
And no shackles.

I need not want much,
But a cosy den,
Where we can be,
What we want to be
Free from burdens
And sure of knowledge
That love knows no bounds.

ride to unknown.
ticket to heaven.
fire to keep me warm

meal to satisfy hunger.
drink to quench thirst.
day to celebrate.
Each day.

Come fly with me
The magic is now
Before the swan turns to human
Before Perseus finds Andromeda
Before Schehezarade finishes
her stories

Before life’s tides turns..

The Bitch That I am!

2007-02-18T00:57:00.000-08:00

This is part of a message I received from one of my readers..
This reader has been leaving anonymous comments insulting me in my blogs and I knew who it was, because I check the IP address.

"Swantham ammayodu shamikkan pattatha oraalodaannu njan shama aavasyapedunnathu... what a fool I am" How stupid of me to think that you would forgive, when you can't forgive your own mother..

You think, I am a bitch isn't it? Because I can't forgive my mother..

Is it because, all of you live in a perfect world, never had to live with a mother like I did that I am a bitch? Do you think it is my fault, my bad luck, my karma that I was given this life?

I have often been asked why don't I publish my story..With just a simple blog, I am already a bitch.. Imagine the scenario, if people pay money to read my story!

If I am not mistaken, the present post is my 368th in the "daughters of tomorrow" blog.. I write each day, because this is the only way I can unburden myself. The only cost involved here is my 'time'.
I do not force anyone to read my blog. Nobody has to pay to read it and most importantly you can leave with just a click of your mouse, if you don't like what you read.
Even then, I have to answer countless comments about what is the truth? did all these really happen? My story is so unbelievable that one reader even wrote a blog on behalf of my mother, saying that my perceptions are skewed.

What would happen, if I publish my story? How many blogs on behalf of my mother would I have to read?
Does any of you know how much it hurts?
It hurts. Not because, strangers are supporting my mother.
It hurts because, none of you can see or understand, how I struggle each day, living far away from my mother, not being able to talk to her, not being able to hold her hands, not being able to take care of her in her old age.
It hurts because, my children don't have a grandmother in their life.
It hurts because, even after all that I have gone through...the me..the person who endured all the abuses and my feelings..they are irrelevant..because the system works in such a way that..mothers are always right.. they can never be wrong. Even if they are wrong, a daughter must be able to forgive.. If not, she is a Bitch..like the letter writer wrote above..
It hurts because none of you can see that I love my mother.
It hurts because all of you get confused with love and forgiveness.
One reader send me a picture of a bridge in response to my blog about the bridges that divide.. He said, bridges never divide! I chose the title, knowing exactly, what I want to convey.. For most of you Bridges never divide..For you, bridges connect two ends. But to me,bridges act as a divider between love and forgiveness.
It hurts because I am not able to cross that seemingly easy bridge from love to forgiveness. But does that make me a bitch?

Its a heartache

2007-02-17T01:42:00.000-08:00

Its a heartache

Nothing but a heartache

Hits you when it is too late

Hits you when you are down

Its a fools game

Nothing but a fools game

Standing in the cold rain

Feeling like a clown

Its a heartache

Nothing but a heartache

Love him till your arms break

Then he lets you down

It ain't right with love to share

when you find he doesn't care

For you

It ain't wise to need someone

As much as I depended on you

Its a heartache

Nothing but a heartache...

Justice for Altantuya Shaaribuu

2007-01-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

Altantuya Shaaribuu( 1978-2006)

A beautiful mother of 2, Mongolian National, part time model was shot twice in the head and her remains were blown up using C4 explosive in Malaysia.
I am blogging about her, so the world will know about her and justice will prevail.
Nobody deserves to die like that.

What is C4 Explosive: C4 is a high quality, high velocity plastic explosive used commonly in the military either for demolition or as an antipersonal device. Half a kilogram of C4 is enough to demolish a truck!
Average of costs of C4 is about 15 british pounds /kg.
Because of its sheer destructive power and the low cost, C4 is a controlled explosive. You need plenty of licenses to buy it.
There for, it is highly unlikely that an ordinary joe public in Malaysia has access to C4 explosive.

So the big question is who has C4 explosives in Malaysia..

Does defence ministry rings any bells?
Does the defence minister ring any bells?
Isn't the accused Mr Baginda a close pal of the defence minister?

Usually in Malaysia, justice can be bought( as can be seen in the recent bungling of murder trials involving famous people with right connections), and in this high profile case, where a leading politician and his crony are involved, what justice can one expect?

There has been plenty of bad publicity for Altantuya in Malaysia. She has been portrayed as a gold digger . Her 9 year old son had to write a letter in defence of his late mother.
This is her son's letter.

Cover up is a magic commonly practised in Malaysia to save the backside of our dignitaries. So far, Altantuya's immigration records at the KL international airport has been erased( there is no evidence of her entering Kuala Lumpur !! and how can you blow up her body, when she didn't even visit Malaysia!!)
and the case has been fixed for trials in 2008. By then a lot of evidence can be changed,erased.manipulated and most of all it is hoped that everyone would forget about her.

I believe in the power of blogs.
Please help me to spread the word, so the world knows about Altantuya Shaaribuu..and atleast let us make sure that she gets justice, that she rightfully deserves.

The bridge that divide

2007-01-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

Last night my daughter asked me How old is her grand mother?

My mother will be 71 in a couple of weeks time.

Each day that goes by, I know I have one less day with my mother. I know she is right now only a phone call away. But I just can't do it. I so very badly want to see my mother, hear her voice, lay down on her lap..but I also know the euphoria would last maximum 30 minutes, then there will only be complaints, accusations, finding faults, screamings, yellings and more screamings.
So often my mother spoke that she should have never given birth to me.. How right she is.. for I am so incapable of forgiving her!
If only life came with a duster to erase the bad memories

My precious bundle is going to be 5 soon

2006-12-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

Wasn't it yesterday
I held you
like a little baby
close to my chest?

Wasn't it yesterday
you were drinking
milk fom the
sippy cup?

Wasn't it yesterday
you were howling
and screaming
Because you saw a spider?

Wasn't it yesterday
I held your hands
and taught you
how to swim?

Wasn't it yesterday
you told me
"I am your
seeti pie"(sweety pie)?

Wasn't it yesterday
you came to me crying
because Chachan called
you a babypottamus?

As I sit here
I wish selfishly
that I could turn back
the childhood clock

but alas, I have
no such power
and I watch
with an aching heart

A beautiful child
drinking milk from a cup,
playing with spiders,
swimming in the BIG pool

bopping Chachan on his nose
Every time he calls you names
and I wish from the bottom
of my heart

If only time moves
slowly, so I can soak up
the joys of being with
my seeti pie.

Happy Birthday my little baby.

Shame on you Indian mothers!.. Shame on you

2006-12-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

The latest Unicef report published yesterday has this statistics

Each day Indian mothers kill 7000 female foetuses!

In the last 20 years, India has lost 10 million unborn girls( Lancet)

Isn't it ironic, a female mother, killing a female baby, because she thinks her female child would be a liability?

Shame on you Indian women.. Oh and don't tell me you were forced to abort by your mother in law or your husband or the neighbour next door..
The baby was in your womb, safe and sound.. you need to give the consent for someone to take her out.. and only you can give that consent..

Shame on you Indian women.. and I thought education would change your attitudes!

Yeah we did it

2006-11-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

We are in the midst of a major snow storm and the temperature was -8 degrees 2 days ago. (right now it is -11 outside and with the wind chill it is -18).. and guess what, we made a snow man..
I know it sounds really silly.. especially when everyone was trying to stay indoors and keep warm, kids and I made a snow man.
I always wanted to make a snow man..but never got around to do it.. So this time I was determined..
I had no buttons for the eyes, so we used the base of tea light candles as eyes, carrot as nose and a leaf as mouth.
And while I was creating my master piece..something extremely beautiful happend.. My oldest daughter gave me a cold frozen kiss on my cheeks and told me
"You are the craziest, sweetest mama in the whole wide world"
So here is to the craziest mama, who made a snow man at -8 degrees!

Tribute to my mother

2006-11-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

This is something I wanted to do a long time ago. Procrastination being my middle name, it was forever pushed to the back of the list of things to do.

Today's email from the stranger did one good thing.. It made me do this..

I have often thought about my first memory of my mother. I remember 2 incidents, both wrapped in the violence veil. I don't know which of these is the oldest.
I remember being 2 or 3 years old, night time in Chengannur house, there was no electricity, there was a single oil lamp lit in the kitchen, My parents fighting, I remember my father kicking my mother and her running outside. It was pitch dark outside except for the street light near the junction. I remember crying and my father pushing me. He went and sat down on my grandfather's easy chair.. I don't remember how long I cried, but somewhere in the middle of the night, I remember him dragging her inside the house holding her hair and pushing her towards the wall..

Second memory is, my parents fought that morning and my father pulled my mother's hair. She was on her way to work and came back inside to comb her hair again. She lifted her hands to remove the hair pin and I noticed that her blouse sleeve was torn and I saw the hair in her armpit. I remember asking her Why she has hair in her armpit

I remember her going with my cousin to the fair and buying me half a dozen bangles. They were white bangles with pink, green, and yellow spots on them

I remember her spending hours in the bathroom, trying to remove the vicks I applied on my hair. (I had a headache!)

I remember her making a 'pineapple' table lamp and a deer drinking water embroidery curtain for Maria and promising me, she will make one for me, when I am older( she is yet to honour that promise)

I remember her chasing me with a stick in her hand all around the school compound, because I refused to go to school

I remember the cardomom flavoured cream biscuits she bought from Jamas store, each month she got her salary

I remember the zoo animals cookies she bought from best bakery that I never ate

I remember the cookies that came with icing on top and licking the icing off from the cookies and leaving the biscuits for her

I remember the 123 cake she baked each christmas, I remember how I fought with chechy to grab the bowl to lick the batter

I remember her mango pickle( she made the best pickle on earth!)

I remember using sambrani(incense) stick to damage her trade mark lousy brown saree, just so that she will stop wearing it.

I remember her eating all the left over food, so nothing would be wasted

I remember her buying me a new school bag when I was in the 9th std, and lying to my sisters that she got that free.

I remember her telling me," It is ok to lose", when I didn't win the 100 M running

I remember her beaming smile when I won the first price for all the sunday school competitions.

I remember her beautiful smile, when I got 529 for the SSLC

I remember the relief on her face when I went to Bangalore to do medicine

I remember the times, she came to snoop while I was doing medicine. She went through all my personal stuff when I was away at the class.

I remember cleaning the house and finding 28 letters from my friends( boys ofcourse) under her mattress send over a period of 5 years!

I remember her switching off the fan, each morning to save electricity and me screaming at her each and every morning.

I remember how she refused to put a pinch of salt in the water before boiling the egg, so the egg white won't come off and I remember refusing to eat it( each day, every single day while I did my internship)

I remember the relief on her face when I got married

I remember her telling me" It is ok" When I lost the baby

I remember her taking the novena and walking to Parumala Church, so I would be able to conceive.

I remember calling her up to tell her that her prayers worked

I remember waiting for her at the airport with a huge tummy

I remember her first sentence,"why did you gain so much weight?"

I remember her getting zonked out with valium while I was in labour room

I remember the shock on her face, when the nurse went to wake her up and told her that she has become a grand mother!

I remember how she told me" don't carry the baby all the time, she will get used to your body heat and expects you to carry her all the time. I remember putting the baby in the baby cot,only to see few minutes later, the baby in my mother's hands!

I remember begging her to make ela appam when I was expecting my son. I remember watching the banana leaves withering and drying with a heavy heart.. She never made ela-appam for me

I remember wishing that she would just go home, so I can ask the aunties at the church to make elaappam for me.. I just wanted to eat elaappam so badly..

I remember her leaving me, when I had anaphylactic shock, while 8 moths pregnant, with a toddler at home

I remember hating her for not being there for me, when I needed her the most

I remember forgiving her and sending her the ticket to come back to Malaysia

I remember getting a job as a VP in a big medical company and asking her to help me raise the kids. All I wanted was someone to be home, to have an eye on the maid.

I remember her refusing me.

I remember her going to my sister's house in KL.

I remember resigning from the job

I remember going to India

I remember getting a house near to Sally's house

I remember sending the driver every time she wanted to see her grand children.

I remember my son's pneumonia. The only break I ever got was the 10 minutes each night I got to go home to take a shower. My mother never once asked me, if I am ok, if I need food. I spend 27 days with my son in the hospital. My mother could never even cook a bowl of porridge for me.

I remember standing on the roof top of the hospital and thinking how easy it is to jump. The only reason I didn't do it, because I was afraid that my kids in all likelihood will be raised by my mother.

I remember her, not calling me up to say, she won't be able to help me take care of the kids, on the day I was on call.. I remember waiting like an idiot,while taking calls after calls from work asking what time I will be at work... My mother couldn't even make a simple call.. I remember calling and calling calling her phone and she never picked up the phone.

I remember the dramas she used to act, especially the time, she called me and said she has chest pain and slammed the phone.. I was half way through bathing my baby and I took the half bathed baby and the sleeping kids and drove like a maniac to her house only to find her sitting infront of the TV and watching kaun banega karorpathi
I remember getting yelled at from the Medical director.

I remember giving up work

I remember leaving India with my kids

I remember the letter she send to me saying that she instructed my sisters not to let me know when she dies, as she doesn't want me to be there for the funeral. (Honestly the mother I knew died that day.. that was the only way I could cope).

I remember my mother coming to my house in KL with my sisters and asking me "What visitation rights you are giving me to see my grand kids? That according to Malayian law, she is entitled to see them, any time she wished"

I remember her trying to pull my oldest from me and telling her
"Come with Ammachi, I will raise you, your mother is stupid"

I rememebr telling her,"you will never take my kids from me"

I remember forgiving her and sending my kids to my sister's house on Christmas morning to wish their grandmother "Merry Christmas"

I remember how she never opened the door.

I remember the tears on my oldest daughter's eyes

I remember promising myself "You will never ever hurt my kids"

I remember chosing Canada, so neither my mother nor my sisters can ever visit me.

I remember feeling bad that, my kids will never know their grandmother..

but I do know it takes 2 to tango.

I am not at all perfect and I know one day my mother will die..but I don't do tango any more..I just can't do any more tango.. I am on solo slow dance.

Amma, I am beyond forgiving you. But you know Amma, you will always be my mother and that I always always always love you.. even when I don't write, even when I don't speak, even when I don't give you my address..

Is it a crime?

2006-11-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

Once in a while you receive a mail from a total stranger who thinks she has the right to tell you, how you should live your life... Most of the times, it doesn't affect me.. Because at the age of 35, if I can't make my own decisions, then I am a failure.. However, my blood boils when I get mails that is full of contradictory messages.
This lady wrote to me 5 months ago.
"Nina, your posts are getting more and more diffcult to read. Gosh, you have a "telescopic periscopic" memory. Do try and remember happy times with your mom. Surely there are many. The pressures she was under are huge. Nina, for your kids sake, kiss and make up. Life is too short ".
I ignored the mail as she has a right to say what she wants to.

But today she send me another mail

"Hi, Nina,
Writing to you after a long time. HAve been reading all your blogs. I simply shake my head when i read them. I don't think one can decide which of your parents was the most irresponsible--your father or your mother. They seem to have used each of you, especially you, against the other. I am almost convinced your mother may have some psychiatric disorder. Which other mother can offer up a sweet inncocent child to a child molester? And then still be totally oblivious to it? I would have wrung the man's neck if anyone harmed my kids. And strung him up in the town square.
Though almost all your posts are filled with great sadness on your mother's negligence, I thik i have read some very tender snippets as well which come through. A mother feeding her grils with"one more urula" like an Amma kili. Surely she had some redeeming qualities. I have heard of great dysfunction but never "seen" it up so close. i certainly do not want to be your "Amen " corner like some who read your blog are. However, i do encourage you to PLEASE contact and be in relationship with your mother atleast again. She , all said and done , is your mother. Maria--good riddance, i would say. I can't believe there are sisters like this. I have one-- and we are thick as thieves.
I realise you will not reply. But I hope you are settling down very well into beautiful canada and loving this wonderful country.
I wish you well, Nina."

Why do people think that, I should live my life according to their terms? Is it a crime to live my life in my terms?

Canoeing with kids

2006-10-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

Canoeing with my kids!

Recently I took the kids out for a hike in the wilderness. We stayed in a cabin close to the lake. Soon my kids found the canoe in the lake. I heard little voices "mama can we go on the boat,pleaseeeeeeeeeeee".
I remembered reading about this article, where she wrote about travelling on a boat in a river. I could picture the boatman pushing the pole down in to the water and the whole pole disappearing in to the water. I was getting a bit scared. Boating with the kids?. What if the boat capsized?We are talking about 3 kids!. Nearest hospital is 56 km away and it takes atleast 1.5 hours to drive on the mud path to reach the main road.
"Mama, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" The begging started
I thought, I have travelled in boats.. big ones with the boat man at the helm, small ones, on which my cousin used his leg as oar and rowed across the river.. So boats and I get along well and as long as I row well, We should be fine.Besides I am Methran Thambi's grand daughter!

I made everyone wear life jacket. Warned my son to sit still and I climbed on the boat. My son sat in the first seat, daughters in the second row, me in the middle.
I warned them again to sit still, as the boat would move swiftly while I row and I didn't want them to fall in to the water.
I taught my kids to sing the boatman's song
kuttenadan punchayile
Kochupenne
Kuzhilale.....
They showed no interest. Soon my voice too drowned in the stillness of the beautiful lake.
I looked at the oars. They were small ones. I have seen the boats during vallom kali, where oarsmen row so beautifully holding oars twice the size of this piddly looking oars and I thought to myself
'Aiyyah, these Canadians!!! they don't even know to make proper oars'
I took the oars in my hand and rowed. I was concentrating on where the oar was hitting in the water, I forgot to check the other end, which landed on my oldest's shoulder.
"mama, you hit me" we have progressed from nagging to blaming!
"I am sorry, I am sorry" I apologized to my daughter. "I am just getting my balance right".
"Mama, do you know how to row a boat?" She asked me sceptically, while fastening her life jacket.
"Row a boat? Ofcourse. What do you think I am? Don't you know I come from the land of boats"
"I thought you said, land of coconuts?" She looked at me
"Land of coconuts and boats" I was irritated.
Soon I started to row and my son was busy pushing the reeds from his face. he gently pointed to his left and told me
"Mama, the lake is that way"
"I can see" I yelled. The darn boat was going towards the shore.. Some how after rowing and kicking and yelling I steered the boat towards the lake.. when we reached nearly the middle of the lake, the boat suddenly fell in love with the shore. Much as I tried to row, to turn it away from the shore, it was determined. Love is blind and boat was blind.
Soon I found myself and the kids in a boat, that was stuck on a huge tree trunk, in the middle of the lake,with the knowlegde that nearest human is another 2 miles away.
"What are we going to do?" "Are we stuck here?"My daughter asked
The choices were simple.
1. get off the boat and walk through the woods( did I mention there are bears there?)
2. swim to the dock( water temperature is around cool 2 degrees)
3. Scream( and let the bears know, there is plenty of tasty fresh meat!)

As the options weren't options at all, kids decided to help in rowing. Some how we managed to reach the dock and I saw three little kids running as fast as their little legs could carry, away from the boat and the woman who is from the land of boats!

Weird things

2006-09-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Alex tagged me.. I need to write 6 weird things about me. That got me to think. Weird things? I think everything I do is weird.. I always thought that I have nothing much in common with the rest of the homosapiens.. There are things that I do, deep in my heart I wish I could change,
1. I can't say No. I wish so much that I have the courgae to say No. If my neighbour ask me to fetch her kids from school, I would say yes, even when the same woman never gives us(kids and I) a lift, when she picks up her kids on a rainy day.

2. I can't say no to my kids when they say they want to eat something so totally out of the world. This morning my oldest came to sleep with me at 6.30Am and she told me Mama I am hungry. I asked her what she wanted to eat and she said hotdog. It is a saturday, my day to rest and I didn't want to make hot dog at 6.30 AM. There is Bhatura in the fridge, bread, tuna filling, cheese filling and egg sandwich filling. I wanted to tell her to make herself a sandwich. I didn't. I cooked hotdog for her. May be I am worried that, if I die today, I can die peacefully knowing that, I have honoured all the promises I made and gave my kids what ever they wished for..

3. I don't like the furniture the same way in the house. I keep moving them every few months. Don't know why I do it.. But in the last one year, my living room arrangement has changed 5 times.

4. I don't like to shop. One reason I still wear the same cloths, that I have been wearing for the last 12 years is, my absolute hatred for shopping. I can't see myself going from shop to shop for that perfect dress/ saree. I don't mind wearing faded/torn/out of fashion clothes. Actually I never bought any clothes because it is in fashion

5. I can cut people off from my life. I don't like to fight. I don't argue. So if anyone did/say something that I didn't like, I simply shut them out. I don't confront anyone, but I do build walls that can prevent people from hurting me.

6. There are things that I have always wanted to do, yet when I get a chance to do it, I walk away. I always dreamed of making a snow man, especially when my ABCD cousins used to talk about snow and how they built the biggest snowman in town. When I lived in England, I could have built it.. I didn't. I could have built the snow man last year when it snowed here. I didn't. It looks like, I am not so keen to fulfil all my dreams. So dreams stay as dreams.

I want to tag Suemama, Maya and Starrynights

That is all that matters

2006-09-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

The pain in my heart..

Sometimes I think
your heart is made of granite
How else do you not see
How much I love you?

How else can you forget
the times we spend together?
the minutes we counted
the seconds we treassured?

What more do you need?
What more should I do?
Open my heart and show you?
Will you see the love then?

Sometimes I wonder
if you remember me at all?
then I find comfort knowing
that I love you, even when you are away

That is all that matters.

Karin's tag

2006-09-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

Karin of I love Munich Tagged me. Thanks Karin. Enjoyed doing the tag

1) Was there any incident in your life which you feel, influenced you in particular?
Every incident in my life has influenced me.. death of someone I loved the most, must have been the biggest.. I learned, there is no tomorrow.. There is only now, this moment..that I have

2) What are you afraid of? Please name at least ONE example!

Failure. I am afraid of failure.. I feel, If I failed, then I didn't try hard enough.. I guess I survived each and every storm because I was afraid to fail

3) Is there any nature-event, you particularly like (i.e. thunderstorm, rain, snow ect.)?

Rain.. not the ordinary rain you get here in Vancouver.. The real one, the monson rain that you find in Kerala, where you sit inside the house, close all the windows and can still feel the power of the rain, when you here the pat pat pat sound of the water hitting on the window panes and the tiled roof. I also like walking in the rain..

4) What kind of sport (if any) are you fond of or even actively pursue?

Sports!!!.. I am a master of all sports.. I watch them on the telly.. As far as participating in any...nope, I refused to cultivate muscles.. I like the flabby me..

5) Do you easily get nervous or upset? "Blow up"?

Never. I was known as ' ice maiden' when I was studying in the medical college. I can get angry( especially when I have PMS), but never nervous or upset. Nobody owes me anything, so I don't get upset with people

6) Do you dread getting older?
Not at all.. I intend to enjoy my old age. I had this poem before I had kids. As a precautionary note, I have had it printed and stuck on the wall.. So my kids are aware!

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple.
By Jenny Joseph.

When I am an old woman,
I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Feel the biological clock ticking?
That is always ticking there.. somedays I think, I should have another child.. then I console myslef, I am allowed to have a little bit of madness once in a while..

7) Are you more a city-person or prefere the country-side?

I would be happy if I can be in a remote place, away from all human beings. I have always been a loner and I prefer to live alone..I dream of going to Alaska and live there.. but the reality is, I don't like to eat cariboo or sea lions!

8) Do you allow any kind of fashion to rule over your taste?
I still wear the same clothes for the last 12 years.
Normally I wear formal suits to work, jeans when I am off, and shorts at home. I do like the colour black and most of my clothes are black colour!

9) Are you more on the introverted or extroverted side?

Neither. If I want to speak to someone, I do, if I don't want to, I won't, so it depends entirely on my needs. The same with doing things. If I want to do something, I will do, otherwise no. I think I am strong willed

10) If you'd have to characterize yourself with one sentence - what would you say?
I am me, I can only be me

The tag is open to anyone who wants to do it..

Children

2006-09-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

Why did I have children?
I had them because, I wanted someone to love. I had so much of love to give. I didn't have them, because I wanted them to be an extension of my ego. They were not born because I needed an old age pension/care. I do not dream of the day my kids achieve some sort of glory, to make me proud.

What do I wish for my kids?
Each of my children are unique in their own ways. They have been blessed with different abilities.
My oldest is very good in arts. She is also a gifted child. She started to speak when she was 6 months old and could write her own name, when she was abt 2 years old. She wants to be an artist

My son, he is very naughty. He is like me, very quick in thinking and happy go lucky. Unlike me, he is exceptionally good in maths. He is also a very good soccer player. Currently he wants to be train driver. He also doesn't mind becoming a truck driver.

My baby, she spoke her first word when she was 2 years old. She is a dreamer. She wants to be a nanny, She wants to take care of her nieces and nephews. She has already promised her older sister and brother that, they don't have to look anywhere else for a child minder.

If I wanted to, I could send my daughter to a special school meant for gifted kids, I could push my son to excel in sports, I could tell my baby,to dream big, you don't want to be a nanny!.

I don't do it because, it is their life. I can show the light, but I can't force them to follow that light. I don't subscribe to the notion that education is everything.
Former PM of Malaysia was a medical doctor. Bill Gates has a basic degree. Reliance founder Ambani didn't even see high school and I stay at home with a masters degree.

What Do I expect from my kids?
I want them to be humane. I expect them to be compassionate and kind. I want them to be happy with what they have. I want them to know the world is their oyster, it is up to them to be the pearls. I hope they understand, each pearl starts as a pain, and I hope my kids learn to accept and understand that, life isn't a bed of roses.
They are the captains of their ship. They are allowed to sail, where ever the wind blows. If the ship is wrecked, I hope they have the courage to rebuild, that they will have faith in themselves.
I follow Gibran's poem about Children to the dot

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Children are children. All they need is love. When you give that unconditionally, you have won half the battle.
If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,but have not love, I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker.

If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements, but have not love, my children learn cleanliness - not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love is present through the trials. Love reprimands, reproves, and isresponsive. Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvation's message to a child's heart.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection. Now I glory in God's perfection of my child.
As a mother, there is much I must teach my child, but the greatest of all is love.
anon.

The options

2006-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

The scenario

Three kids, my kids friends, they stay across my house. When I call my kids to come have dinner, they too would tag along. I can see hunger in their eyes.
Sometimes I offer them food..But i can't do it all the time, every single day. Sometimes I feel angry because people who have more money than me, don't bother to feed their children.

Their mother works all the time, they are kind of raised by their grandmother and are often not fed. ( They do live in a house worth currently about 750.000CAD)
I know what hunger is. I have been there.. The problem is, I don't have that much money to feed 3 more kids. I do have to feed my own kids. What do I do?
Do I ignore the hunger in their eyes? Then what did life teach me?

You made me mad

2006-08-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

In moments of madness
In moments of solitude
there lies a glimper
of hope
of you coming back.
I can see you
I can see your eyes
Your grin
Your frown

In moments of sanity
there is no hope
there are no dreams
there is the reality
that you are
so far away
far away from me
that I just
can't reach

I rather be mad and live
in the world of Insanity
in the company of the dead
and the ghouls
cause only then
Do I ever feel you
close by me.
and I see your shadow
that haunts me

You made me mad!

Suemama's tag

2006-08-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by suemama. Here it is

Something beautiful

I love sunsets. I try not to miss watching the sunset most days. There is something magical about the setting sun. It is like the sun is telling you, 'what ever happens I will be back tomorrow..so please wait for me'. I have often written about the 'bounce' phenomenon. I am not sure if anyone else is aware of it. Somedays due to the optical illusion, the setting sun after it has completely set would hop up the horizon again, kind of peeping to see, if you are still there watching!..

Something Cultural

Wayang Kulit aka as shadow puppet show. Every Malaysian child of the 70's and 80's would have fond memories of watching this show atleast once during their childhood. Wayang was used to tell the stories of Mahabaratha and Ramayana. However with the arrival of islam and Islamic law, where no statue of God can be made, the wayang was changed to wayang kulit, ie the shadows were used to tell the story. Wayang kulit is an endangered art in Malaysia, as the islamic government is not too keen to promote the hindu element, though it is only an art.

Something I did today

I did Suemama's tag!!!!

Something I desire

There is time in Malayalam called karakkidakam. Monsoon season. The rain brings untold miseries to ordinary people, children have to go to school walking in the rain, clothes never get dried, scarcity of food and vegetables, flooding, landslide etc. Most people hate the season. I want to watch the monson rain in Kerala again. I want to sit on the veranda and watch the rain, sipping a hot cup of freshly brewed Malayalee coffee with ghee and sugar in it, munching dried fried tapioca chips with slivers of fresh coconut. After the rain I want to go to the fields and tap the branches and watch the water falling down, creating my own baby rain!. I am waiting for one person who would make this dream even more meaningful..

All the images in this article is from the google. I am not the copyright holder of the images shown in this article.

one more time

2006-08-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Just one more chance.

one more time
walk with you on the beach
holding your hands.
chase the ugly crows
find our favourite bench
I will buy you your favourite
double shot espresso
while I drink my earl grey.

one more time
watch the sun set
hoping for the 'bounce'
to happen again
the changing colours
as the darkeness appears
and spot the first star and
sing starlight starbright

one more time
to eat an ona sadya
I will make your favourite Avial
and we will eat from the banana leaf
you and me
just you and me
in our haven
together.

one more time
travel to kerala,
like you promised
to be with me,
when I visit the dead
and then the living.
and the temples
to watch kathakali

Just one more time
to be in your arms
to feel secure
to be loved
to be wanted
to be free
to be yours
just one more time

Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammed

2006-07-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad, then
and Now

I have never liked Dr. M while he was the PM of Malaysia. But attacking him with pepper spray.. That went too far. He is a citizen of Malaysia and he has been attacked by a Malaysian, in Malaysia.

The ruling government and the police have failed in their duty to protect him. Time for Mr Abduallah Ahammed Badawi to step down as a Prime minister. Sir you have to step down. Enough is enough. If a former prime minister is attacked in broad day light, what hope do ordinary citizens have?

The photos are downloaded from Google. I am not the copyright holder

2006-07-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

I was picture tagged by Dhanush

Most Desired celebrity

I am not sure if anyone would recognize this guy. He was the 'ONE' for me. I spend many a days of my youth listening to the Boss. Being 'his' loyal fan, I pestered, nagged, chewed my cousin's brain till he send me 'his' poster. The next problem was more difficult to tackle. Amma didn't let me stick the poster on the wall. After consulting the dictionary, I found a way. Ceiling is not a wall.. So each morning I woke up looking at 'his' cool blue eyes..dreaming of glory days and dancing in the dark..
Bruce Spingsteen and the E street band..
Glory Days
"I hope when I get old
I don't sitaround thinking about it
but I probably will
Yeah,
just sitting back trying to recapture
a little of the glory of,
but time slips away
and leaves you with nothing mister but
boring stories of glory days
Glory days well they'll pass you by
Glory days in the wink of a young girl'seye
Glory days, glory days"

2.Want to do this some day

Watch Aurora Borealis aka as Northern lights
Aurora Borealis..means bringing together Aurora, the Roman goddess of dawn and Boreas the Greek god of north wind.
Imagine on a clear day at twilight time, sitting with the one you love, sipping a nice cuppa of hot chocolate and watching this.. where the light dances and changes in to magical, marvelous shapes and patterns..it will be like watching a fire work display minus the sound effect.

3. Want to visit this place

Blogger is refusing to upload the picture. I have tried to finish this tag for the last 2 weeks.

There are two places that I want to visit. One is where my grandmother sleeps now. I haven't been there yet. A chapter needs to be closed.Somehow I am not willing to/able to do it,

The other place I want to go is Mount Kailas. When I was child, my grandmother told me many stories about mansarovar lake. I want to visit the lake and the mountain.

4. Random favourite

R K Narayan

His real name was Rasipuram Krishnaswami Ayyar Narayanswamy. There is no other writer who can write simply yet so beautifully like R K Narayan. When I read his books, I am transported to Malgudi. I can picture the rows of houses, the tailor shop, the grocery shop etc.

Who can forget Swami and his friends? Who can write so much about normal day to day life in a small town? Only he could do that. He remains my favourite author..

Sorry Dhanush.. I couldn't upload the photo of your page either. Thank you for the tag. Enjoyed doing it

All the photos in this blog are downloaded from google. I do not hold the copyrights to the photos in this article

Makoda Suen

2006-06-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

Makoda Suen

May you
find peace,
laughter,
and Joy.
while your are with God

May your parents
Find strength,
courage,
and hope.
Till they meet you again.

To Joyce and David: Sending you peace and karma

Getting personal

2006-06-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

Jiby tagged me.. and here it is.. My secrets.. shhhhh!

My Accent - Typical Malaysian.. imagine each and every sentence spoken in a sing song manner ending with a sweet 'la' .. "I am enjoying every bit of life la"..

Booze - Used to drink Vodka and lime when I was doing medicine.., then it was beer while I was working.. stopped completely When I was expecting my daughter. Now nada..zilch.. tak boleh Tahan.. Now it is so bad that,If I drink sparkling wine(100% grape juice!), I get drunk!!

Chore I Hate - folding the laundry and Ironing.. I still don't understand, why someone had to invent Iron!! Imagine, if that idiot didn't invent iron, the amount of electricity we all could have saved!!

Dog or Cat - I don't like animals. I am scared of dogs and allergic to cats..

Essential Electronics - My laptop..nothing else.

Perfume - Chanel No 5.. used to like it, but after seeing how my daughters love to use my perfume on their barbie in liberal doses, I figured, it is better for my BP, if I stopped buying perfume..

Gold or Silver - Neither. I don't like to wear ornaments.

Home - Used to be a small house in Chengannur....once up on a time.. The house in KL, was just that,A house.

Insomnia - I am a night person. I can stay awake as long as I wish to.. I like the period between 3 and 4 Am. But I hate waking up in the morning. I morph in to a grizzly bear in the morning and my kids know, not to say anything till I had my morning cuppa..

Job Title - Highly qualified stay at home mother.

Living Arrangements - with three lovely kids!!!!

Most Admirable Traits - I never give up...

Number of Sexual Partners - Adoi! I lost the black book ..

Number of Times in Hospital - Now this question is a tad difficult. I have been to the hospital both as a patient and as a doctor.. countless times. I am a calamity jane, and I used to ride bikes.. that is a dreadful combination. I have broken all the limbs..

Phobias - I am petrified of failure.

Quote - "When love beckons to you, follow him". Kahlil Gibran

Religion - Orthodox Christian by birth..but currently agnostic..

Siblings - Three Sisters...all are doing well in life and make sure they tell me how I should live my life as well..( they think that I am a loser.. which obviously has some truth in it!)

Time I Wake Up - I get up everyday at 7.30AM( my daughter has to be at school at 8.15 AM!! and she is late most of the times, because her mother shuts off the alarm and goes back to sleep!) and on weekends, my wonderful kids make sure tht I geet up at 5AM.

Unusual Talent or Skill - I am ambidextrous.. I can easily write using my left or right hand..

Vegetable I Love - Cauliflower.. I am partial to it.. Even when it is very expensive, I still buy.. Life is never complete, if I don't have cauliflower in the fridge..I like to make cauliflower manchurian. I hate any vege that ends with 'Ka' in Malayalam.. Vendekka(ladies finger) pavakka( bitter gourd)!!

Worst Habit - I don't like to say good bye.. Most of my friends in Malaysia( actually even my family) didn't know when I came to Canada.. Even within Malaysia, when I was transferred I didn't call anyone to tell them that I am leaving.. I just pack my bags and leave.. Don't know why I do that..My friends hate me for that..but that is me..I don't like to say good bye.

X-Rays - Plenty..considering the number of times I broke my bones!!!

Yummy Food I Make - Best Red fish curry and avial.. also make good Tom yam..

Zodiac Sign - Sweet, dreamy pisces..

Shapeless Amoeba

2006-06-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

I am in this trap
set by the unknown hunter
each time I break free
he creates new traps.

I am always
someone's daughter
someone's sister
Someone's mother

in between I was
someone's wife
someone's daughter in law
someone's sister in law

All take a part of me
like a hawk digging for the flesh
I became this shapeless
moron, that nobody wants now.

Where is my food?
Where is my shirt?
Where is my car key?
Where is this or that?

I am forever the finder
the keeper
the giver
the lover

But what about me?
What am I?
Do I exist?
Am I the sacrificial lamb?

I want to break free
from the clutches
that tie me down
and find me..

But I lost the key
I lost me
I lost my soul
I am a shapeless amoeba.

who am I?? I am an orphan

2006-06-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I came from both of you.
You were there
at different times
in my life.

Who do you love Sarah?
Do you love Appa more
Do you love Amma more
Who do you love more Sarah?

I tried telling you both
I love both of you
Why couldn't you
understand just that?

If I speak to Amma
Appa would get mad
If I speak to Appa
Amma would be mad

And between the
two of you
You have succeeded
making me an orphan.

I have both of you
yet I have no parents.
I just have a mom
and a dad some where.

Why? Why? Why?
I have asked that
question
a million times..

Why did you
make me an
orphan?
while you are alive?

To My precious daughter

2006-06-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

Every single moment.

You will be 8 soon
and there are
many things
I want to tell you.

First, I want you
to know
I love you
every single moment.

I want you
to remember,
I am there for you
any time you need me.

I want you
to understand,
I trust and
believe you.

I want you
to learn,
the world is yours
to inherit

I want you
to remember
You are resposible
for your own actions.

I want you
to live
your life
without regrets.

I want you
to be happy
with whatever
you have.

I want you
to use,
your abilities
God has given you.

I want you
to understand,
in life sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.

I want you
to know,
either way
I am there for you.

Every single moment.

photo: google

Was it all worth?

2006-06-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

Was it all worth?
you left us
to win over
Amma.

You walked away
from your own
flesh and blood,
you children.

You sold
our home,
to teach us
a lesson.

You didn't tell us
when Ammachi passed away
to teach us
a lesson.

You didn't give
me your address
to teach me
a lesson.

Was it all worth Appa?
Was it all worth
the hearaches you gave
in the name of a lesson?

Do you know
you have 3 grand children?
Does it matter
at all?

Does it matter
that they would
never see you
or know you?

Was it all worth?
Running away?
How much
must you spite us?

Everyone here
is sending gifts
for their father
some even dedicate their blogs.

What should I do?
Dedicate a blog
to a pathetic man
who was forever teaching lessons?

When you go to bed
each day
Remember, you can't give me
Back my childhood.

But you can
be a grandfather.
Do that
If you ever read this.

Happy Father's day..
Sarah

Choices

2006-06-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

what are my choices?

Do I go to work?
Do I stay back home?

Do I leave my kids with someone else?
Do I raise them myself?

Do I get to take care of them when they are sick?
Do I get a nanny to do that?

Do I get to buy new sexy clothes?
Do I get to wear hand me downs?

Do I get to drive a flashy car?
Do I get to walk every single day?

Do I get to be there when the kids come back?
Do I get a nanny to do that?

Do I get to bake a yummy cake for them?
Do I get it from the shop?

Do I get to kiss them before they leave for school?
Do I get a nanny to do that?

Do I get to go through their school work?
Do I never get to know what they learn at school?

Do I get to hear. Dr Sarah.. every few minutes?
Do I get to hear mama every few minutes?

Do I get to go to a massage center, when I have a head ache?
Do I get a fantastic 'pretend' coffee, made by three lovely children?

Do I get to answer each of you who ask me why I gave up my career?
Do I have to explain?

15 years

2006-06-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

15 years.
a sentence,
a share,
a relief.

15 years.
a finish,
a start,
a life.

15 years.
a new song,
an old song,
a love song.

15 years
I laugh,
you laugh
and they cry.

You are 70 today

2006-06-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

Where ever you are
know that
I always think of you
on your birthday
You are
half of me.
and as much as
I hate you
as much
I love you.
I remember
the good old days
I especially remember
the visits to the
nightmarket and
eating jagung
I also remember
the Thirunakkara festival
where you carried
me on your shoulder.
I remember the day
you left.
the day you
came back.
I remember
all the things
you brought.
and my
inheritance
you took
away
just so you
could spite
Amma.
The day you
sold the house
where all
my memories roam.
But you are
my FATHER
always will be
No matter what.
There is never
a question
if I forgive you.
Happy 70 thbirthday
my darling
Appa.

Malaysian Malayalee

2006-06-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

First came the leaf.
I remember your
eyes,
the shock.
Then came the rice.
I remember your
eyes,
staring at me.
Then came the ghee.
I remember
you,
asking, is it oil?
Then came the dal.
I remember
you,
asking, now what?
Then came the thoran.
I remember
you,
staring at the chilli
Then came the papad,
I remember
you,
frowning.
Then I told
you
start eating.
Then you
looked at me
and asked How?
no knife.
no fork.
no spoon.
You shook
your head.
I can't do it.
I can't eat.
I need a fork.
then I shook
my head.
no spoon,
no fork,
no knife,
You will use
your hand.
I remember
you
sweating.
I remember
your
pants
eating the food.
I remember
me
reaching out
to wipe the
curry off
your face.
I remember
you
asking
for more avial
I remember
you
telling me,
I love
my malayalee
and I corrected
you.
Malaysian Malayalee..

Cotter pin

2006-05-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

I am nothing
but a cotter pin
made to allow
all of you
turn smoothly
your life.
It didn't matter
I was bend
twisted
turned
pulled apart.
Only your life
mattered.
only your dreams
mattered
your lovers
mattered
your career
mattered
your holidays
mattered
Me, the pin
I was already
out of shape.
better to get
a replacement eh?
You, my sisters
I lived for you.
Don't you dare
forget that.

Your replacement

2006-05-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

When you left
you told me
I will find a
replacement.
I tried,
believe me
I tried.
everyone of
those replacements
were like
the square pin
trying to fit
the round
emptines you
left behind.
God must
have been
laughing
seeing the perfect
imperfection.
so here it is
plain and simple
no replacements
required.
It won't fit.
I Stopped
trying.

Marielle and Miquel

2006-05-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Marielle & Miquel
The quake
epicenter was
close to
where you stay.
I am scared
to call
and find out
if you are ok.
even if
i don't call
Know that
you are
always in my heart
Forever.

I remember

2006-05-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

I remember walking
up the hill
I remember waiting
at the clinic
I remember seeing
the 2 lines
I remember feeling
top of the world
I remember telling
everyone
I remember checking
my tummy
I remember working
on a snowy day
I remember thinking
I should be careful
I remember going
up the steps
I don't remember
how I fell down.
I remember holding
my tummy
I remember thinking
my god, my baby
I remember rushing
to the clinic
I remember waiting
anxiously for the Dr
I remember ,Dr speaking
you are ok.
I remember asking
for a scan
I remember being
denied
I remember praying
for you
I remember the bleeding
3 months later
I remember rushing
to the emergency
I remember praying
desperately.
I remember seeing
the numerous baby pictures
I remember thinking
this will be a girl
I remember the annoying
sonologist
I remember not seeing
the heart beat
I remember thinking
this can't be.
I remember feeling
my world ended.

To the baby I lost, I want you to know, I still think of you everyday.

Candle

2006-05-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

A candle
needs to burn
to give light
Diamond needs
to be polished
to shine
Do I have to
cut my heart
so you will see
That I love you?

To my daughter

2006-05-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

When I held you
your eyes were closed
but you knew it is me
cause you snuggled.

When I looked at you
for the first time
I knew you are mine
just mine.

Whenever you cried
I cried with you,
your pain
magnified a 1000 times.

When you fell down
it was my knee
that hurt the most.
my heart that was crying.

When you got
first rank at school
It was my heart
that was about to explode(with pride)

When you get angry
and I irritate you
always, saying(lovingly)
'just like your father'.

When you laugh
it feels
like 1000 pearls
dropped on the floor.

Baby one day
you will leave me,
I will have to
let you go.

Then I want
you to know,
You have been loved
more than anything.

As a mother
I consider you
as the best gift
I ever received.

As a mother
I chersh
each of these
precious moments.

I promise you this
I love you and will
always love you
till my last breath.

Crow

2006-05-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Remember the crow?
for you it was
the ugliest bird.
all black
eating thrash
on the dirtiest
streets in Mumbai.

Remember the
countless stories
I told you
where crows
were heroes
and you shook
your head
still not convinved.

Today I saw
crows again
in the park
they were checking
the thrash bin.
I thought
God: they are ugly
because they
remind me of you.
wretched creatures

Annemaike

2006-05-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Annemaike,
Do you remember her?
We told her
Time heels
Love isn't hopeless
there is always someone
there to love you?
Then why did you leave me?

hope

2006-05-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

What is hope?
I know the answer
It is you coming back.
What is reality
i have been waiting
1095 days
with that hope
living and dying
with every single breath

your eyes

2006-05-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

I used to tell you
they were mesmerising
in the deep cavity
the tiny eyes
had more depth.
Your eyes
used to dance
you used to hide them
behind your specs.
Every time you
looked at me
it felt like
your eyes
were piercing me.
yet I loved
your eyes
I always looked
at them
for approval.
the joy,
the pain,
the understanding,
the love,
they all could
be seen
in the tiny blue eyes.

Now your eyes
they haunt me.
there isn't anything
that is here to
remind me of you.
but your eyes
they keep following me
checking eveything
I do.
like the sun
in the sky,
Your eyes
are always there
every where I turn.
Go away
Leave me alone.

the point

2006-05-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

We departed over a point
and 2 golden rings.
but you
left behind
the anchor.
Why?

the point is there
and like the axis
where earth rotates
It makes me go round
in circles

I always return
to that point again
like the merry go round
but this isn't a festival
it is my life

Will it??

2006-05-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

Waking up
is the
moment
of realization
each day
every day
that I lost you

going to bed
every night
with the hope
each day
every day
that you would come back

Why do we
throw the dice
and take
silly stupid
chances
in life?

You are mine
always mine
each day
every day
even when
you aren't here

Time is with me
to wait
to waste
to throw
another dice
for another chance

time change
tide change
seasons change
people change
but my love
will it..?..only you will know

do you even think of me?

2006-05-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

When I see the birds
in the morning
I think of the time
we spend together
feeding the birds

When I see the smooth rocks
on the sea shore
I collect them
thinking ofthe time
we spend on the beach

When i close my eyes
I see your deep blue eyes
the pain in your eyes
the love in my eyes
and the joy being together

When I sleep
I hope and pray
that I would dream
about you
so i could be close to you

some say it is best
to love than not at all
would they know
how it hurts to love
and let go?

Do you think
about me
the way
I think about
you?

Do you see me
everywhere you turn
every smooth rock
every bird
every day?

sages said life
is to live.
How to live
when the love
is missing?

While i while-
away this life
taking each breath
hoping it would
be my last

Would you even think about me?

Has to be me's tag

2006-05-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

This is a sort of a tag....from http://www.hastobeme.blogspot.com. And this is what it reads.......The Instructions: I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation of what those words means to you and why.

I got the letter C

This blog is more meaningful to those who has mallu blood..

1.Chakka: I spend many a summer in my ancestral home and chakka is something that is so versatile. 2 types of chakka: varikka and koozha. I don't eat koozha, it gets stuck in my throat. Varikka..green ones get fried to chakka upperi, or cooked with coconut as chakka puzhukku. Ripe ones get converted to chakka varatti or kumbil appam. Ammachi would steam the kumbil appam in vazhana ila..and I can eat tons of it..

2. Chatta: there is a joy in seeing an older woman in chatta, with neatly folded neriyathu and a sexy brooch.. they look dignified. I tried getting my mother to wear chatta...no luck. But I promise I will wear Chatta and mundu when I am old!!..hopefully there would still be tailors who know how to stitch a chatta.. With the advent of house coat and salwar, saree, set and mundu and chatta are in the endagered species list

3. Coffee. with ghee. I haven't had this for a looooong time. The coffee at home was robusta( i know the banana also hd the same name!!) and ammachi would boil it, then add a spoon of home made ghee and 1 spn( when she turns I add another 2 spoons) of sugar and give me to drink.. It was heavenly

4.Chavittu nadakom: I don't know if there are still people who do the chavittu nadakom.. this is a dance where they literally chavitti on the floor and tell you the story

5.Chakki: she was like a mother to me..always there when I needed her. passed away in mid 90's

6. Cauliflower: I don't like most of the vegetables. When I go to the market, my family knew I wouldn't buy any vege that ends with ka. pavakka, vendekka, etc.. But cauliflower.. I am partial to this one. I like it in almost any style, except raw. Aloo gobhi, cauliflower manchurian, cauliflower in white sauce..hmmmm yummy

7. Cars: I like driving. I dream of owning a maserati. ( I am a dangerous driver too..I like speeding. During the times when Malaysia had postal summons I used to dread checking my letter box.. each summons( often for speeding) cost RM 150 and I surely contributed sufficient money to the govt coffers

8. Cashewnuts: the story of how 'kashinettu' became cashewnut always fascinated me..More than the story, it is the taste of freshly roasted cashew.. I spend many a summer burning my finger, trying to pry open the burnt cashew shells to get the nut

9.Chattambi: The word..it is such a nice word.. you can call your kids chattambi and also the rowdy at the market.. My oldest could never twist her tongue and would always say chappandi and i still call her that

10:Churuttu: i have only eaten this in Kottayam. the thin rice flour skin is a trade secret and the makers of churuttu refused to let anyone know that. Churuttu is a samosa look alike, with sweet thin skin made of rice flour and filling made of avilose podi..

Thisisme: of Planning...kids...pills..

2006-05-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

Thisisme: of Planning...kids...pills..

I saw this post on the web and I was so heartbroken. It is a casual observation about abortion.A woman, could abort a baby, because she isn't mentally prepared to have a child. Abortion is like changing a soiled diaper? Or is it like changing a shirt? She blames the pregnancy on her spouse's refusal to wear a condom. Then justifies about choices..and too young and mental inability. She is able to have sex, but unable to stand up to the end result. I once had a patient who came to me for pregnancy test. And when i congratulated her, she matter of fact asked me, who is the best gynae I can recommend for an abortion.( Abortion is illegal in Malaysia) and I asked her why does she want to have an abortion? Her explanation was classic "I am going to Germany for a course for 6 months and really didn't want to be bothered with a pregnancy. I want to have a good time and won't be able to do the things I want to if I am preganant". When there is so much options, pills, condoms, jabs..women still get preganant and then kill their unborn child..and then call it a choice.. Does anyone even think about that little baby, that is n't even allowed to be born? I understand the need for some women to have an abortion, especially if it happend after a rape.. but that woman didn't have a choice..these women who abort their baby on the basis of wanting to have a good time or for mental inability, had a choice. They could have taken the precautions..no they didn't want to, because there are dr's out there who can make quick bucks with a single act of D&C..and then tell they are helping woman to make the choice.. Yes it is indeed a choice, yet we jail people for murder..and what do we call a mother who killed her new born child, wouldn't the same term apply to the one who killed her baby in the womb?
We are a bunch of sick people.

Would I ever forgive you?

2006-05-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Mother's day is here. Everyone around here is buying flowers and cards and I know you are just a phone call away.
But would I call you?
Would I be able to forgive you for all that you have done?
Would I forgive you for not being there when I just needed you?
Would I forgive you for manipulating me all these years, knowing very well that I would always forgive, because you are my mother?
Would I forgive you for all the vengeful things you have done and said?
Would I fotgive you for all the curses you have cursed me all these years?
Would I forgive you for turning my kids against me?
Would I mother?
May be not. I know you will die one day and I may not get a chance to wish you again..but how can I wish you, when I don't want even want to be on the same side of the planet that you are in?
May be we will be mother and daughter in our next life.. May be we will make it work..but this life we blew our chances mother.. You and I, we together blew it.

Happy mother's day to you all

2006-05-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

When I became a mother, I became complete. There was a reason to live, there was someone to love. My kids are the only ones I could love unconditionally. I can love them in good times and in bad times. I can love them even when they drive me insane. On this mother's day I celebrate the joy of being a mother. I thank for my blessings.

Love in the home
If I live in a house of spotless beauty
with everything in its place
but have not love
I am a house keeper not a homemaker
if i hv time for washing polishing and decorative achievements
but have not love
my children learn cleanliness, not godliness
Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laughter
Love smiles at the tiny finger prints on a newly cleaned window
Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys
Love is present through the trials
Love reprimands, reproves and is responsive
Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler and runs with the child
Then stand aside to let the youth walk in to adulthood
Love is the key that opens salvation's message to a child's heart
Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection
Now I glory in God's perfeection of my child
As a mother, there is much I must teach my child
But the greatest of all is love
Anon.( found on the net)

what kind of a soul are you

2006-05-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Hope and love's & Dhanush'stag

2006-04-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

http://angel-doc.blogspot.com/
http://chall-dhanno.blogspot.com/2006/04/abhis-tag.html

5 people who top your shit list..... And why:

1. My mother's cousin..for molesting me when I was a child.
2.My mother in law for all the times she emotionally tortured me. For telling me that I deserved it, when I lost my baby.
3. Islamic religious leaders in Malaysia, who keeps telling woman how to behave.
4.Taliban leaders for dehumanising woman with all their fatwa's
5. Dr, Mahathr Mohammed, for declaring Malaysia as an islamic country

Close brushes with death/danger:
1.The day I fell off from my horse. I was learning to gallop and my instructor told me, you need to kick the horse twice to make him know tht you want to gallop and I kicked the horse twice... without realizing..i wasn't even holding the rein. I don't really remember what happend, except when my back hit the ground with a thud, I remember thinking"there goes my spine". Fortunately, apart from occassional back pain.. I am alive and fine.

2.The first time I wore a Saree and decided to go for a pillion ride on my friend's Yamaha RX100 bike.. Saree got caught in the wheels and I was thrown off the bike in the middle of the busy Hosur road..The fall wasn't as painful as the thought tht everyone saw my faded blue 'grandma style'panties..

3. I am allergic to prawns and accidently had a tofu curry, special order with advanced notice that, there shouldn't be any prawns. Somehow after second mouth I couldn't breath and upon checking the curry, there was one single prawn inside. According to the chef it must have accidentally dropped inside the pot. I had anaphylactic reactions and the nearest hospital was 45 mints away. No one thought I would survive. I didn't carry my adrenaline injection and learned a lesson the hardest way. Never assume that I can be safe..
4. When I was expecting my son I had another anaphylaactic shock and the doctors said they can only save the mother or the child. It was scary. i wans't so much worried about dying, but I didn't want to lose my son. Luckily medical technology is so advanced tht both of us survived

Preferable modes of suicide, in descending order:
1. eating prawns
2.valium
3. i don't need option 3,4,5. I need to eat one tiger prawn and then take 10 valium.. I can surely knock the pearly gates!!!

5 Guilty pleasures:

1.Biting my nails
2. laddu..gulab jamun
3. 8 hours of undisturbed sleep, wihout hearing, mama is it time to wake up, I want to go to the Loo, etc
4. Dreaming abt the knight in shining armour..
5. Dreaming about going to an Island far away from everyone and living happily..

5 things you never want to forget:
1. The day I learned I am pregnant
2. The day I lost the baby
3.The day the doctors want told me I will never be able to have a child
4. The day I learned that I am preganant again and beat the medical science
5. The day I held each of my three babies in my hand..

5 really exotic dishes you have tried:
1.. kappa and meen curry
2.kanji and payaruthoran
3.Penang Char fried Kwayteow
4.Nasi Lemak
5. Mysore masala dosa

5 crushes/loves in your life... in chronological order
1.CJ..Honestly I only remember his initials..He was my classmate in the 2nd grade and we used to dream of our wedding and who all we would be inviting and wht are the dishes we would be serving.
2.Bruce springstein. I had his posters even on the ceiling, so i could wake up seeing his face!!!!
3. JM. My senior at med school.. Boy ,he was handsome!!
4. Alex.. he studied french with me..he had lovely green eyes..poochakkannu
5.JL..the one and only..

A weird dream u have had
I saw my uncle in a dream and we were walking by the side of a river. The river was clean and I could see the fish.. My uncle passed away around the same time I saw the dream

5 most valued personal possessions:
1. My kids!!!..I don't own them..but I have them(for now).
2.My collection of Kahlil Gibran books
3.My sense of humor
4. Photos of my kids, when they were young
5. The pen my dad gave me, when I scored distinction..

5 favorite superheroes

1. Superman..he is always there just when you need him
2.Rani Laxmi Bhai..in a country, where woman is degraded on a daily basis, she fought a war and sacrificed her life.
3.Veluthambi Dalava ..for his courage..tht death is better than surrender.
4. Nelson Mandela ..for beleiving that there is still goodness, for forgiving those who harmed him
5.My son ...for all those times he makes me smile, by all the naughty things he does.

5 people who should pass the parcel...
There are so many...take it up guys and gals

10 things I miss the most

2006-04-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Thanuhttp://thaanurambles.blogspot.com..tagged me
10 things I miss the most

1. My grandmother. She passed away. I don't know when, where and how she passed away and as an orthodox christian it is even harder, when I can't ask for the special prayer at the church on her death anniversary

2.My ancestral home in Chengannur..It is no longer there. I miss the creek infront of the houses, i miss those days i spend there.
3. My grandmother's food. My mother was the worst cook on planet earth, she was also on a mission to save money. The two together means, food at home isn't something you look forward to each day. My grandmother on the other hand lived each day to the fullest. She made the best fish curry on planet earth and i miss her food
4. I miss my sisters. I haven't seen 2 of my sisters for nearly 4 years. Auckland is too far..and our holidays always clashed.. I miss them a lot
5.I miss Malaysia and my house there. I miss the food court right across my home and the old chinese lady who made the best penang char fried kway teow. I miss the morning market and the dosai ammachi. I miss the sunday night market and the pirated vcd sellers
6. I miss 2 of my best friends JL, and Peter, who were came to my life for a reason, stayed for a season and left without a reason.
7. I miss the times when my kids were babies.. their first smile, first step,first words..etc. each day something new would happen..
8. I missed my internship days.. work was hectic, but there was a joy knowing that I am now a real DR.. I could treat human beings!!!!
9. I miss Bangalore..Initially i hated everybit of bangalore.. I couldn't understand the language, the culture and customs..But after couple of months, you get transformed and see things differently. Kannada was the easiest language i ever learned. When i had rural postings in remote areas, local people were still hospitable. Bangalore was one place, my butt never got massaged. They respected woman. I felt safe there
10. I miss riding my horse to Chamundi hills in the evening and watching the city lights from the hills.. It felt there were stars above me in the sky and below me in the ground.. I have never seen a beautiful city like Mysore in my life.