Tribute to my mother

This is something I wanted to do a long time ago. Procrastination being my middle name, it was forever pushed to the back of the list of things to do.

Today's email from the stranger did one good thing.. It made me do this..

I have often thought about my first memory of my mother. I remember 2 incidents, both wrapped in the violence veil. I don't know which of these is the oldest.
I remember being 2 or 3 years old, night time in Chengannur house, there was no electricity, there was a single oil lamp lit in the kitchen, My parents fighting, I remember my father kicking my mother and her running outside. It was pitch dark outside except for the street light near the junction. I remember crying and my father pushing me. He went and sat down on my grandfather's easy chair.. I don't remember how long I cried, but somewhere in the middle of the night, I remember him dragging her inside the house holding her hair and pushing her towards the wall..

Second memory is, my parents fought that morning and my father pulled my mother's hair. She was on her way to work and came back inside to comb her hair again. She lifted her hands to remove the hair pin and I noticed that her blouse sleeve was torn and I saw the hair in her armpit. I remember asking her Why she has hair in her armpit

I remember her going with my cousin to the fair and buying me half a dozen bangles. They were white bangles with pink, green, and yellow spots on them

I remember her spending hours in the bathroom, trying to remove the vicks I applied on my hair. (I had a headache!)

I remember her making a 'pineapple' table lamp and a deer drinking water embroidery curtain for Maria and promising me, she will make one for me, when I am older( she is yet to honour that promise)

I remember her chasing me with a stick in her hand all around the school compound, because I refused to go to school

I remember the cardomom flavoured cream biscuits she bought from Jamas store, each month she got her salary

I remember the zoo animals cookies she bought from best bakery that I never ate

I remember the cookies that came with icing on top and licking the icing off from the cookies and leaving the biscuits for her

I remember the 123 cake she baked each christmas, I remember how I fought with chechy to grab the bowl to lick the batter

I remember her mango pickle( she made the best pickle on earth!)

I remember using sambrani(incense) stick to damage her trade mark lousy brown saree, just so that she will stop wearing it.

I remember her eating all the left over food, so nothing would be wasted

I remember her buying me a new school bag when I was in the 9th std, and lying to my sisters that she got that free.

I remember her telling me," It is ok to lose", when I didn't win the 100 M running

I remember her beaming smile when I won the first price for all the sunday school competitions.

I remember her beautiful smile, when I got 529 for the SSLC

I remember the relief on her face when I went to Bangalore to do medicine

I remember the times, she came to snoop while I was doing medicine. She went through all my personal stuff when I was away at the class.

I remember cleaning the house and finding 28 letters from my friends( boys ofcourse) under her mattress send over a period of 5 years!

I remember her switching off the fan, each morning to save electricity and me screaming at her each and every morning.

I remember how she refused to put a pinch of salt in the water before boiling the egg, so the egg white won't come off and I remember refusing to eat it( each day, every single day while I did my internship)

I remember the relief on her face when I got married

I remember her telling me" It is ok" When I lost the baby

I remember her taking the novena and walking to Parumala Church, so I would be able to conceive.

I remember calling her up to tell her that her prayers worked

I remember waiting for her at the airport with a huge tummy

I remember her first sentence,"why did you gain so much weight?"

I remember her getting zonked out with valium while I was in labour room

I remember the shock on her face, when the nurse went to wake her up and told her that she has become a grand mother!

I remember how she told me" don't carry the baby all the time, she will get used to your body heat and expects you to carry her all the time. I remember putting the baby in the baby cot,only to see few minutes later, the baby in my mother's hands!

I remember begging her to make ela appam when I was expecting my son. I remember watching the banana leaves withering and drying with a heavy heart.. She never made ela-appam for me

I remember wishing that she would just go home, so I can ask the aunties at the church to make elaappam for me.. I just wanted to eat elaappam so badly..

I remember her leaving me, when I had anaphylactic shock, while 8 moths pregnant, with a toddler at home

I remember hating her for not being there for me, when I needed her the most

I remember forgiving her and sending her the ticket to come back to Malaysia

I remember getting a job as a VP in a big medical company and asking her to help me raise the kids. All I wanted was someone to be home, to have an eye on the maid.

I remember her refusing me.

I remember her going to my sister's house in KL.

I remember resigning from the job

I remember going to India

I remember getting a house near to Sally's house

I remember sending the driver every time she wanted to see her grand children.

I remember my son's pneumonia. The only break I ever got was the 10 minutes each night I got to go home to take a shower. My mother never once asked me, if I am ok, if I need food. I spend 27 days with my son in the hospital. My mother could never even cook a bowl of porridge for me.

I remember standing on the roof top of the hospital and thinking how easy it is to jump. The only reason I didn't do it, because I was afraid that my kids in all likelihood will be raised by my mother.


I remember her, not calling me up to say, she won't be able to help me take care of the kids, on the day I was on call.. I remember waiting like an idiot,while taking calls after calls from work asking what time I will be at work... My mother couldn't even make a simple call.. I remember calling and calling calling her phone and she never picked up the phone.

I remember the dramas she used to act, especially the time, she called me and said she has chest pain and slammed the phone.. I was half way through bathing my baby and I took the half bathed baby and the sleeping kids and drove like a maniac to her house only to find her sitting infront of the TV and watching kaun banega karorpathi
I remember getting yelled at from the Medical director.

I remember giving up work

I remember leaving India with my kids

I remember the letter she send to me saying that she instructed my sisters not to let me know when she dies, as she doesn't want me to be there for the funeral. (Honestly the mother I knew died that day.. that was the only way I could cope).

I remember my mother coming to my house in KL with my sisters and asking me "What visitation rights you are giving me to see my grand kids? That according to Malayian law, she is entitled to see them, any time she wished"

I remember her trying to pull my oldest from me and telling her
"Come with Ammachi, I will raise you, your mother is stupid"

I rememebr telling her,"you will never take my kids from me"

I remember forgiving her and sending my kids to my sister's house on Christmas morning to wish their grandmother "Merry Christmas"

I remember how she never opened the door.

I remember the tears on my oldest daughter's eyes

I remember promising myself "You will never ever hurt my kids"

I remember chosing Canada, so neither my mother nor my sisters can ever visit me.

I remember feeling bad that, my kids will never know their grandmother..

but I do know it takes 2 to tango.

I am not at all perfect and I know one day my mother will die..but I don't do tango any more..I just can't do any more tango.. I am on solo slow dance.

Amma, I am beyond forgiving you. But you know Amma, you will always be my mother and that I always always always love you.. even when I don't write, even when I don't speak, even when I don't give you my address..