This is part of a message I received from one of my readers..
This reader has been leaving anonymous comments insulting me in my blogs and I knew who it was, because I check the IP address.
"Swantham ammayodu shamikkan pattatha oraalodaannu njan shama aavasyapedunnathu... what a fool I am" How stupid of me to think that you would forgive, when you can't forgive your own mother..
You think, I am a bitch isn't it? Because I can't forgive my mother..
Is it because, all of you live in a perfect world, never had to live with a mother like I did that I am a bitch? Do you think it is my fault, my bad luck, my karma that I was given this life?
I have often been asked why don't I publish my story..With just a simple blog, I am already a bitch.. Imagine the scenario, if people pay money to read my story!
If I am not mistaken, the present post is my 368th in the "daughters of tomorrow" blog.. I write each day, because this is the only way I can unburden myself. The only cost involved here is my 'time'.
I do not force anyone to read my blog. Nobody has to pay to read it and most importantly you can leave with just a click of your mouse, if you don't like what you read.
Even then, I have to answer countless comments about what is the truth? did all these really happen? My story is so unbelievable that one reader even wrote a blog on behalf of my mother, saying that my perceptions are skewed.
What would happen, if I publish my story? How many blogs on behalf of my mother would I have to read?
Does any of you know how much it hurts?
It hurts. Not because, strangers are supporting my mother.
It hurts because, none of you can see or understand, how I struggle each day, living far away from my mother, not being able to talk to her, not being able to hold her hands, not being able to take care of her in her old age.
It hurts because, my children don't have a grandmother in their life.
It hurts because, even after all that I have gone through...the me..the person who endured all the abuses and my feelings..they are irrelevant..because the system works in such a way that..mothers are always right.. they can never be wrong. Even if they are wrong, a daughter must be able to forgive.. If not, she is a Bitch..like the letter writer wrote above..
It hurts because none of you can see that I love my mother.
It hurts because all of you get confused with love and forgiveness.
One reader send me a picture of a bridge in response to my blog about the bridges that divide.. He said, bridges never divide! I chose the title, knowing exactly, what I want to convey.. For most of you Bridges never divide..For you, bridges connect two ends. But to me,bridges act as a divider between love and forgiveness.
It hurts because I am not able to cross that seemingly easy bridge from love to forgiveness. But does that make me a bitch?
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12 comments:
Dear Sarah,
I don't know u...nor do u know me.
I began readin ur stories just yesterday! And, i was tellin ma friend that for some people blogs aren't just a 'literary pursuit when time permits!" as it is for me!
I never thought u were a bitch...i did try to think fm ur mother's perspective, tho'. Thro'out ur blog, it's quite evident how much u've bn hurtin...some posts even end with a confession that u love her inspite of everythin...i jus want u to understand that not everyone who reads ur blog is judgin u or the situation...not everyone is unwise enough to offer solution to the problem they hardly know...one thing i would like u to know is that Sarah, I've bn prayin for u and ur family fm yesterday and will continue to do so! And this i do without ur permission. God bless!
Sarah,
People will judge people. No matter what, the most important judgement can be made only by you. Only you know who you are and what you have gone through.
People like to live in a fantasy world, where there are always people to blame.
People also like being judgemental on others. I wonder why. Maybe for pleasure or 'i don't know'.
There will be no need to forgive in love, because the person doesn't get hurt.
You know what is the right thing to be done and may God give you the strength to do it!
sarah,
i'm sure there are people who judge u or think ur mom is right... i had a protected life compared to u.. to be honest there are times when i could not believe the things you wrote... but then i realized, no one can make up things to this detail...
i think that as much as you hate ur mom, u love her... as much as you want to get away from her, u want her to be near u.... as much as you dont want to forgive her, you are ready to take her back... and that makes you a great person, sarah... i know for sure if it was me in your place, i would've never wrote anything good about her...
just because you had the courage to revisit the dark ages of your life doesnt make u a bitch... as you said nobody is being forced to read ur blog... who gives them the power to judge??... who needs them anyway??... also reading some of the comments, i felt there are people who went thru the same...
hope you find all happiness in life from here onwards... and praying for that..
Sarahye, People dont like honesty.
Thats all! When I say people, I include myself also. We all like to see a wonderful World where everybody is holding hands and happy, yet we dont do that to each other. Simple!
Hugs and love to you.
Come on Sarah, you have gone through enough to filter what you hear. To hell with those commenters. We look upon you for your strength, dont let some %@@#!#@! commenters spoil the day for you. Comeon, keep your head high and be your self.
Dear Sarah,
I have been a regular reader for your blog, its just that i have never commented. I regularly keep refreshing my browser to see if you have updated ur blog.
Its understandable how much you have gone through. Please dont get bogged down by the unnecessary comments. People will keep commenting no matter what..
Take it easy and be happy...
My sympathies are with you Sarah. Actually it's not the business of anyone of us who reads your blog, to comment on your life. It's one thing commenting on your writing, but totally different commenting on the way you live, think or feel. You write because it's catharsis. Keep going.
Sarah
We know you love your mom inspite of everything. Follow your conscience. Let others say what they like. No one has the right to judge you because they don't know what you went through
Dear Sarah,
Myself being from kerala and many things in common among us, I sometimes find myself relating to you in several sections of your blog. I look forward to read it everyday, more because of this fact.
Keep going... In the end, what matters is your conscience. Nobody has the right to judge another.
Wishing you and your kids a bright and happy life ahead! God bless you
dear sarah, i am connecting with you...how could you be a bith...when you feel so much and you could share so much? dont be stressed by the responses...its expected...for those who never care to understand...as a writer myself, i know...keep on writing your wonderful story...:-) and all the best!
just 2 tell u..no ur not a bitch...
I do not know why you should feel hurt. You should look at how many are supporting you instead of how many are ridiculing you.There are many bad people in the world.You should take this as a sacrifice.If you can tell the whole world what you have gone through an if more people come forward then those people who are sexually exploited in the world will not shut up and everyone will be aware of what to look out for as parents and children.
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